It’s Not Yours to Carry Anymore – But What Does That Actually Mean?
A gentle look at emotional labour, invisible expectations, and why you feel so bloody tired all the time.
I’ve seen this phrase everywhere lately. You might have too.
“It’s not yours to carry anymore.”
Floating around on Instagram in a soft, swirly font, slapped on a photo of someone looking wistfully out to sea. Even LinkedIn's got in on it this week.
I know it’s meant to sound wise and freeing.
But I’ll be honest with you – it doesn’t do much for me.
Not in a “that’s changed my life” sort of way. When I read it, my brain goes… huh? What exactly are we talking about here?
Because the only thing I’m currently carrying is a teetering pile of laundry and a sense that I’ve forgotten something important (probably the bin day).
I think phrases like that sound good, but they don’t always help us see what we’re meant to let go of. So, in true let’s-have-a-cup-of-tea-and-pull-this-apart style, I thought I’d unpack it.
Let’s take a look at what we might be carrying – quietly, daily, and without realising– that we could maybe, just maybe, start to put down.
So… What Are You Actually Lugging Around?
I have a feeling it’s not just shopping bags and car keys.
Sometimes it’s expectations.
Sometimes it’s other people’s moods.
Sometimes it’s that weird feeling you get when you agree to do something… and then instantly wish you hadn’t.
Let’s break it down, because it shows up in all sorts of places:
Saying Things You Don’t Mean Just to Keep the Peace
Ever said “No worries!” when actually, it is a bit of a worry?
Told someone “I don’t mind at all!” when you definitely do?
Said yes to plans you didn’t want, then silently hoped they’d cancel?
I know we all do it sometimes. It’s easier than having the conversation.
But that people-pleasing habit of squashing down what you really think – it builds up. It’s a quiet sort of carrying. And it can get heavy.
It’s not just what you say. It’s the feeling that you're holding everyone else's comfort above your own. The sense that your role is to smooth things over.
And let me tell you – chronic people pleasing is a form of emotional overload. You’re carrying the weight of everyone else’s reactions.
Doing It All (Because It’s Quicker If I Just Get On With It)
I’ve lost count of how many women have told me they “just scoop everything up.”
At work, at home, in the playground, in the family WhatsApp group.
They see a mess and think: Well, someone’s got to deal with it.
And apparently that someone… is always them.
I’ve done it too. Told myself, “I’ll just do it – it’ll be faster.” And sure, it is faster. But only in the short term.
Long term? You’re doing everyone else’s bit, and they’re letting you.
And here’s another one:
Saying yes to helping someone move house / bake the PTA cake / review their CV at 10pm – not because you want to, but because you don’t want to let them down.
That’s not helping. That’s hoarding responsibilities like a collector of invisible burdens.
And when you carry everyone else’s to-do lists, don’t be surprised when yours is the one that gets neglected.
The Old Stories We Didn’t Even Know We Picked Up
I think a lot of what we carry isn’t obvious – it’s the stuff we learned without even realising.
Like:
“We don’t rest, we just get on with it.”
“You’ve got to pull your weight.”
“It’s nice to be needed.”
“You should always be doing something useful.”
I have carried all of those at some point. With pride, if I’m honest.
And then wondered why I felt so drained.
These are the inherited beliefs, the unconscious rules.
They might have served us once. But if they’re still running the show and making us feel exhausted or resentful – it’s worth asking if they’re really ours.
Or if they’re something we absorbed, never questioned, and forgot to put down.
The Everyday Load You Can’t See But Definitely Feel
Here’s the stuff no one gives you credit for:
Remembering what everyone likes for dinner
Keeping tabs on the loo roll situation
Knowing when the school has a non-uniform day
Holding the emotional tone of the house
Noticing when your friend is a bit off and checking in, even when you’re not in the mood for another emotional support call
It’s the mental to-do list. The quiet responsibility. The constant awareness.
This is the invisible labour that women carry daily – and it’s rarely recognised, let alone lightened.
No one asks you to carry it – you just… do.
And then you wonder why you feel irritable for no reason or cry at a washing-up liquid advert.
That’s carrying, too.
How Do You Know You’re Carrying Too Much?
I know the signs now. I didn’t used to. But they show up.
It might look like:
Snapping at your partner over forgetting to take the load out of the washing machine.
Feeling secretly furious about things you said yes to.
Starting your day already overwhelmed.
Feeling completely done in by 3pm.
Having a totally normal conversation and then sobbing in the shower.
None of this means anything’s wrong with you. It just means you’re overloaded.
And some of what you’re carrying might not be yours at all.
A Few Things to Mull Over With a Brew
I lead women through this kind of untangling all the time – helping them notice what they’re carrying and gently decide what they want to do with it.
But here’s something you can do right now:
Take five minutes, and ask yourself:
☕ What am I holding on to that no one actually asked me to?
☕ Where am I saying yes, but really I mean no (or not now)?
☕ Which old rule or belief am I still living by that makes life harder?
☕ What would feel lighter – even if I just let it go for today?
I think we all have stuff we’ve picked up without realising – expectations, guilt, habits, roles we never asked for.
You don’t have to drop it all at once.
But maybe just notice what you’ve been carrying. That might be enough for now.
And if something in here struck a chord, I’d love to hear what came up for you. Leave a comment or reply – I always read them, and I’m always curious.
Put the kettle on. That kind of reflection deserves a little sit down and a biscuit.