“Sorry, What Were You Saying?”And other signs you're not really there…

I know when someone’s with me… and when they’re not

I was talking to someone recently and about 30 seconds in, I realised they weren’t actually with me.

Not in a rude way. They were nodding, smiling, saying “mmm” in all the right places. But their brain? Somewhere else entirely.

Probably replying to a message in their head. Or wondering what to make for dinner. .

It wasn’t a big deal. Just one of those everyday moments where two people are technically together but not really connected.

And it got me thinking: when did being present become such a rare skill?

I think we’ve made distraction feel normal

We’ve normalised being in five places at once:

• Answering work emails in the Uber to dinner

• Booking a dentist appointment in the yoga studio changing room

• Sitting at a friend’s birthday while your brain replays a client conversation on loop

We call it being efficient. But it’s actually just missing the bit that makes life enjoyable.

I have a very low tolerance for digital faff

I’ve never been someone who scrolls for hours or takes selfies while I’m out.
It’s not because I’m being mindful - I just find it stressful.

If I’m out with a friend, I’m with them. I don’t reply to messages. I don’t take calls.
And the more I’ve done that, the more people just... stop expecting me to.

They know I’ll reply when I can and if they know I’m in something, they don’t bother trying.
Which means I don’t have to pretend to be available and they don’t have to pretend I’m not mid-conversation.

It works. Everyone survives. And I enjoy myself far more.

I think presence lives in the transitions

It doesn’t start when you walk into the dinner or join the meeting.
It starts five minutes before…… in the pause between things.

Most people drag one thing straight into the next. Still sending voice notes as they walk into the brunch. Still thinking about work while saying hi to a friend.

But that’s where presence gets lost - in the overlap.

You need a reset. Even a tiny one. Something that tells your brain:
“Right. That’s done. Now I’m doing this.”

It’s not a routine. It’s just a shift. And it works.

I have a few things I always come back to

A handful of habits that help me stay where I actually am.

• I sit in the car for a minute before I go inside if I have had a stressful journey. No phone. Just breathe.

• I get to yoga five minutes early. Roll my mat out and give my feet a massage.

• If I’m rushing from one activity to another I’ll change my top or put some comfy shoes on it helps me switch off and start to relax.

• I watch T.V without my phone in the same room.

• At the end of my working day I say to myself, “I’m done for the day.” It gives my brain permission to switch off.

• If I’m with someone, I’m with them. Phone is in my bag.

I have better conversations because I’m actually in them

I’m not listening while replying to something in my head.
I’m not trying to do three things at once.
I’m just there.

And that version of me?
She’s better company.
She laughs louder. She remembers what you said.
She doesn’t leave feeling frazzled or drained or slightly annoyed for no reason.

She leaves feeling like she had a genuinely good time.

One Last Thought

If being present makes everything better - conversations, dinners, friendships, your own sanity.
Why do we treat it like a luxury?

So when was the last time you were actually there?

Not just in the room. Not just replying on autopilot.

Actually there.

Let me know……. I’m all ears. (Phone’s away, obviously.)